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Special Report: GETTING FAMOUS MADE EASY

Mon, Oct 01, 2007, 12:36 PM

Midway through last week we got an interesting email from “Bill W” (not his real name – name withheld at user’s request). Anyway, Bill wanted advice on how a regular person might go about becoming famous. Our response was simple, “Join a competition, get a record deal, the rest should work itself out.” But after giving it more thought, we wondered if we hadn’t been hasty in our answer. Surely there’s an even faster way. One that guarantees results. As we’re always eager to help fellow members of the Nation realize their dreams, we decided to give it a go ourselves:

Simply put, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Want to see your name on the walk of fame? It shouldn’t be that hard. We’ve even made you a guide.

 

STEP 1: Go to Staples—without a doubt, the best place to start any project. 

 

STEP 2: Find a stencil. We went with the two inchers, but any size will do. 

 

STEP 3: Go to where the stars like you hang out—Los Angeles.

If you can, get some sleep on the plane, you’re going to need it.

…but know that you’ll be missing out on some pretty decent scenery along the way.

 

STEP 4: A local hardware store will provide the rest of the supplies you’ll need. 

 

STEP 5: Find a blank star on The Walk of Fame. Not this one, it’s already taken.

Same goes for this one.

Here we go.

 

STEP 6: Before committing to a star, be sure it’s one that’s got suitable neighbors. We found this one next to Woody Woodpecker, not as high-end as say a Brando…

…but far enough from Andy Dick that people shouldn’t get the wrong idea. 

 

STEP 7: Now it’s time to apply your stencil. Be sure to orient it properly. NOTE: THIS IS WRONG and would make you some sort of anti-star. Like Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.

That’s better.

Oops, almost forgot: You’re going to need a car as LA is a driving town. Nothing too conspicuous though, we recommend a dark color—remember, you are here to commit a crime. Same as most of the other stars!

 

STEP 8: Apply paint.

 

STEP 9: Remove and voila...

You’re now ready to hump a Simpson or whatever else it was you had in mind. If anyone gives you trouble at the door, simply refer them to your star. Repeat as necessary. As in all things, you’ll get better with practice. 

Remember though, until the checks start rolling in, it’s best to jet home for work Monday. Get used to it though, stars like you are always on planes. It comes with the territory.

 

So there you have it, PART 1 in the series. That's right, SERIES. As in, there's more to come. Check back and see... In the meatime, voting had begun on on Spin Magazine's Hot Pursuit. Someone is going to win a record contract and a prime spot on their SXSW bill. It could be you.

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